I don’t think I have been quite honest about all my feelings. I have been painting this journey and experience as if it is completely happy; when it is not always sunshine and curls. There are moments of guilt and regret and disappointment and anger. All feelings that I blame on myself and no one else. I set myself up sometimes for the disappointment. I set high expectations and goals and I do not factor in things like what if it does not work out. Although at times I am a pessimist, at heart I am optimistic.
When I first started this journey I knew my hair was going to turn out like the girls we consider hair gurus. I knew that confidence would kick in and I would feel beautiful in my natural state. I WAS WRONG!! I also did not expect so many people to not understand my journey. I didn’t expect people to dislike me for my choices. In my search to find myself, I have lost a lot of friends on the way there. People who didn’t understand why I needed a break from the world to pull myself together sometimes. People who would hang out with me one day and then talk about how I shaved the entire back of my head off to someone else later. People who had over stayed their welcome in my life. People who didn’t deserve to know the real me. It seemed like the more things that I revealed about myself, the less people I had around me.
This journey has been an eye opener. Before I could love who I was now, I had to come to terms with my past and who I was before. I had to accept the mistakes and decisions I made and for a short time I regretted a lot of things. Not so much my actions, (because I am a 19 year old who has never gotten drunk or did drugs or drank or smoked or be promiscuous) but my characteristics. My ability to see the best in someone or being naïve and sheltering myself when I know there are bad things in this world.
Sometimes we jump into things and don’t consider the risks first. We think of the positives and don’t consider the negatives. We compare ourselves and creates goals without thinking of how we’ll get there. There has been a lot of hard times to my journey. There have been days where I just sat and wondered if I was finding myself or losing myself. But there are always cons to our pros. We just have to think “Is the reward worth the risk and is this something I really want?” I did not think this journey would have so many bumps in the road but I wouldn’t take the chance to turn back if I was offered it. I have found and discovered so much of myself. On the days that I am not reminiscing about my past, I am loving the girl that I have become and where I am headed. This journey is not for the weak hearted but after tribulations always comes triumph. And here I stand stronger than I was before and proud to be