01/29/15

Two months ago, everything changed in my life. I experienced a ton of loss and then I lost some more. While others were enjoying their holidays and bringing in the New Year with their loved ones, I was burying my father and making plans for two major changes in my life. I had so much that I could be happy for, but those things seemed to disappear when all of these burdens fell onto my plate. I didn’t know how to move on or act or even cope. I didn’t have a chance to think or breathe or be still. I had to make plans and figure it all out and take care of other people. I ignored how I felt and the pain that I was enduring. I pushed it to the side because I had to be strong. I was pulling strength from unknown sources and handing it out to people who I felt like needed it more than me. This left me depleted. I was confused and sad and angry and empty. I had given all that I had away in order to make others better and forgot to leave some for myself. Loss is a terrible situation to deal with. Especially when you have no answers or plans or arrangements. You are left with unanswered questions and a broken heart. You are left with ideas that are no longer valid and moments that you just cannot forget. You are given the choices to move on and forget or get over it for the sake of those surrounding you. People offer you words that are of no help or comfort and expect this to be all that you need. You hear phrases like it could be worse and it was all in God’s plan and expected to take that into consideration. You have to smile and lie or you could put it all on the table and wear your feelings on your sleeve and have everyone avoid you. Loss. It means that something you once had is now gone. It means that the moments you had were the last ones. It means that at this moment forward everything in your life will change and be different. Loss. It means that you have nothing, that it’s gone and with it might be a piece of you. Loss it’s not as simple as getting over it or moving around it or finding the path that leads you forward. Loss. It is the feeling of now being incomplete and without. Loss, Lost. I am both; I have felt both. And I’m trying to figure out where the road is because nothing will be the same from here.

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3 Comments Add yours

  1. kelley says:

    Death is one of the worst, if not THE worst challenge we face as humans. Thanks for sharing your story. I know it doesn’t mean much coming from a stranger, but you’ll heal. I lost a friend on January 1st. She was just 30, same as me, so I definitely took it hard. But it also catapulted me into the things that make me happy, the things I want to do in life because it made me re-realize that there are no do-overs, no dress rehearsals so I need to be living to my highest potential.
    So be sad, be mad, grieve, but then keep living because you know that’s what your father would have wanted! Blessings to you, sis!

    Like

    1. ajamichel says:

      Thank you for your kind words. I am still in the phase of trying to pull myself together and focus on school. This all has been a huge eye opener to me and I am praying for strength.

      Like

      1. kelley says:

        It’ll come. Stay up.

        Like

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