Black, Young, & Married (It Ain’t Easy).

I don’t know why we believed that when you found your soul mate, life would be perfect. Everything would just fit and work itself out and you all would be inseparable. Marriage is nothing like the movies, books and tv shows portrayed to us. As a black millennial (Yes, there’s a huge difference); marriage is definitely a different concept than what it was for my mother and her mother (shoot, they aren’t even married). I found myself lost. I was unsure if I was doing it right. If I was being a good wife, hell; I was unsure about what it meant to be a wife in general. Honestly, all I knew was that I had found my partner and I loved him unconditionally and that I was ready to be his completely. To some people, it sounds like I wasn’t prepared. And honestly,  I wasn’t prepared. I mean, how could we have prepared ourselves for uncharted territory. An area that looks different to everyone that approaches it. Yeah we had talks about expectations and roles and things like that; but that didn’t prepare us. That didn’t even confront the obstacles we might have to face and endure. In all honesty, we both came from broken homes in a broken city that only prepared us to be trapped in a cycle of brokenness. We saw that there was more to it, we both wanted more out of it, and we both wanted change but we didn’t know how to get there. Eventually, we decided on therapy. There were tons of reasons why we needed therapy, but our main reason was that we wanted it to work. We realized that it took more than love to make a marriage thrive and survive and we wanted to know what else it took. There’s a huge stigma in the black community about therapy and also about keeping issues in-house (never discussing what goes on at home, outside the home). So therapy felt forbidden and to some people on the outside it seemed silly, but for us it was fear turned into hope. It was a reality check. It was a chance for us to work on us and become the best versions of us; and it worked.
Being black, young, and married ain’t easy. Not only are you dealing with the daily issues and struggles of being young and black but then you also have to deal with learning to grow and learn with someone who’s dealing with their own issues and the general issues as well. Growing and learning to become one while you’re growing and learning about yourself is WORK. But, it’s worth all of the work. Seeing my husband transform from the person he was six years ago, to the man he is now, is incredible. I’m honored and proud to have been apart of that journey and to have assisted in his development and he never lets me forget that he helped me get to where I am even when I couldn’t see the way. I know the work isn’t over (especially since we’ve had a child and now we have to navigate those waters); but, the burden of that work-load doesn’t seem too difficult especially when you have your partner there to help you carry it. So, I’ll end with a few words of wisdom. Understand that partnership, relationships, and marriage are all built on what’s best for you two. No one else’s opinions matter because the bed you all made only has room for two. So if it works for y’all (be sure it works for y’all and not just you), then that’s all that matters.

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